Monthly Archives: April 2020

Death before dishonor

Typically autistic people die at age 36. I am so aware of fraility, may I shock you. I wish to be dead before this age.

It will be great to die before my parents because they see me as a burden, and I still have to live with them. It is difficult in my current situation to hold a stable job, regardless of economic conditions. Without a stable job, it is difficult to support myself in conventional means. Do not expect me to do things like doing gigs like food delivery. I do not expect them to last forever, I do not think I can do this even at age 70 or upwards with increasing physical limitations, and then, black swan events happen.

I have not experienced war, or so everyone around me thought. We are now getting closer to World War Three than ever before.

Then if the clock is ticking, and I have so little time left in my life, wouldn’t it be better to live every day as if it’s the last? Why not live life every day in a way that is close to our beliefs, and our principles?

I do not think food delivery is shameful. I do not think driving cars for hire is shameful. They never were. And never are. Even if they get automated. Automation is the least of my concerns, even if they effectively replaced the labour like my parents’ generation, making me even less employable regardless of my conditions.

However, if I do these jobs, I may get the resources to support myself, but it may not be the best use of my limited time in life. Say I have only 36 years to live. Between now and age 36, what do I see myself at age 36?

Other people, at age 36, have a property, a car and a family. It is possible for ordinary folks to have a property, a car and a family. They are the stable bedrocks of life. A property is a necessity in any stable society, a family is the anchor of the turbulent waves of life, and a car is the tool we transport the entire family. Then we ask ourselves, why cannot we be them? Are we any less capable or motivated or hardworking than these ordinary folks?

We are certainly not any lesser than the other people. Other people take 10 years to get from university to the stage when they can make a difference professionally. It may take us a longer time. Who knows we may even die before the full impact of our work can be fully realized. All the more we keep doing it. We do all we can for our way of living, our life.

I just want to hustle and live, do it well, and do it with pride and honor. I will not attempt to let short-term gains sabtoage whatever things that will steer me away from the longer term goal, that is, to fully bring out my time and efforts into something that not just feeds me, make my community better, but bringing out the best within me and connecting me with most other people, the way all of us better could together.

When we are together, we move together.