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I am what I write. I don't care what it is.

A证之旅

A证之旅

(原文译自古巴西语A证作家“善变的凤凰”)

和我一起步行,看你能忍受得了吗?

预警:这文章涵盖了敏感主题,例如:霸凌和家庭矛盾。

写这篇文章使我融化掉,这并不容易。我不是刻意伤害自己或任何其他A人。

我的目标是观又现实地分享我的经验和观点,我想为和我一样,经历过家庭和个人的痛苦的人发声。我想帮助,并提高我们的生活质量。

A证和家庭

“我妈妈仍然对我的A证不予理,他不希望他的女儿有这种污名。“

“我已经两天没在父母的公司工作了。我感到非常难过,我现在觉得精神崩溃,我根本没有力量做事。父母一直打电话给我,即使我要求他们提供空间,即使我试图解释自己的感受,但他们不听我的话。“

“父亲一直在逼我找工作。我仍在处理我进来的A证诊断,但他不相信。认为我在欺骗他的一切。有时候我觉得我受不了了,我只想从地球上消失。”

不幸的是,像这样的评论在A人中非常普遍。从青少年到成年人,他们对家人对其状况的了解很少或根本不了解,而感到遗憾;他们遭受虐待,成见,有时甚至受到骚扰。与家人相比,他们的朋友和/或伴侣对他们的态度更好。当我看到A人倾诉他们的心声时,我的灵魂受了伤,我的血液在沸腾。为什么?

让我告诉您我的个人经历吧:

与妈妈搬家一年零十二天,是在与妈妈进行可怕的讨论后的第二天,妈妈给了我一份我无法接受的最后通牒。

但这是最后的结果,让我们回到十年前的青春期:运动障碍和执行功能障碍,这些一直是我的特征,直到那时我才知道它们是什么(我的家人也始终不解)。所以我总是在房子周围,在外人面前显得懒惰笨拙。批评比起称赞多到犹如暴风雨,我所做的每项活动都受到监督。几乎每次发生故障时,无论我是否有罪,全部都应归咎于我。如此之多的蜚语,以至于我养成了说“不是我!”的创伤性惯语。当某物掉落或破裂时,“不是我!” 我摆脱了笨拙的事情,但是慵懒的迹象仍然在我身上,即使我竭尽全力。最小的滑移,稍稍犹豫,这些本来就足够了,我还是听到不友善的电话铃声。

 

正是由于这种犹豫(后来我才知道是我的执行功能障碍,使我的大脑超负荷了),才和妈妈进行了讨论。她声称我很懒,当我看到比平时更多的工作时,此刻我“拒绝”不做某事。我试图解释那不是那样,不知道还有什么要说的。真正发生在我身上的是,看到有太多事情要做,又不知道如何组织和/或执行,它使我陷入困境,陷入崩溃,但是我现在就知道了,希望她理解。

 

粗略地讲,那天晚上她告诉我很多伤害性和不必要的事情,更不用说我很久很沮丧了,因为我们与父亲进行了另一次讨论。他的抱怨是不能很好地管理我的精神情况;这一切对我的压力;我为了想要作为“正常”成年人,而一直不断失败,感到焦虑和无助;我对推迟婚姻生活,以履行家庭职责的一贯怀旧之情。在那段艰难的时期,我认真地考虑了自杀和自残。

 

讨论的那天晚上,我了解了很多事情,其中​​包括:

  • 如果我继续这样生活,我最终会死或住院,因为我的心理已经到了极限,无法阻止它;
  • 没有人能驾驭我跟人的身心健康;
  • 尽管我有缺点,但我正在尽力而为,我的努力没有得到足够的重视,如果承认了我的努力,我的状况会更好;
  • 我母亲病了和/或我没有达到她为我设定的标准,这一事实并没有赋予她虐待或损害我的权利,导致我持久沮丧,并且
  • 某事是不恰当地针对着我自己。

 

因此,我给丈夫写了一条短信,总结发生的事情和我的最终决定;我和祖母和姨妈谈了同样的事情(他们理解并支持我);我在必要时收拾了背包,第二天早晨,在丈夫的帮助下,我收拾了另一个背包,离开了妈妈的房子。

尽管她稍后看起来有些遗憾,但我已经很受伤,没有回头路可走了。在那之后的几个月里,我感到非常沮丧,直到我们最终讲话,我道歉并和她们达成和解。毕竟,她病了,有时会发怒,我们俩都很沮丧。尽管她知道,那天晚上犯了很多错误。

这一切都是因为我A证,而且当时我没有诊断。我认为情况会大不相同。我的母亲本人已经意识到,既然她知道了(或者更确切地说是确认,因为是她建议我可以有A证),她就理解了我的许多爱好,态度和假定的缺陷。我知道,如果我知道的话,它将变得更加全面,要求更低。无论如何,她总是为我进言,因为她以某种方式,知道我的工作与其他人不一样。当我的祖母(我的监护人和宠爱者)告诉她,当我很小的时候,我的脑子不像其他人那样工作时,她甚至承认了她之前的否认。

这是我的情况,但是那些即使被诊断出患有相同证状的人呢?

每当我读到这样的内容时,我的头都想爆炸,我感到自己变得非常好斗,因为在我看来,A人或其他任何人都不会遭受家人的拒绝或虐待。一个A证的朋友告诉我他对我的思维方式有部分分歧,我问他为什么。他基本上回答说,我们认为家庭应该在我们这边是理所当然的,这样做是错误的。我被惊呆了。我给他发了一条语音消息,说由于人类学,逻辑学,生物学等原因,这就是他们的义务和义务。换句话说,我们不要求进入这个世界。他们“家人“带给我们痛苦,因此,责任落在他们身上。我们长大了,听说他们必须成为我们第一所学校的榜样和榜样。

那我们长大了吗?不,它像往常一样发生:一旦我们成长,我们就形成了自己的个性,并展现了新的特征。如果我们超出了他们建立的规范和标准,那么问题就开始了。如果我们的家庭是基督教徒,而我们证明自己是无神论者,那么我将用这个短语来概括那些不满足其家庭对他的要求的人所遭受的诸如拒绝,虐待,批评和其他悲剧之类的事情。如果除了成为无神论者之外,您还不是异性恋者,那就更糟了。如果您来自一个富裕的家庭,您出去搞嬉皮和/或爱上了中产阶级或下层阶级的人,那也很糟。如果您只是来自一个普通家庭,但不是很善解人意,并且您患有A证,那就得了!

令人难以置信的是,他们没有意识到这些态度对他们造成的巨大损害。最糟糕的是,在家中遭受这些痛苦与在学校遭受欺凌之间有着密切的关系。我想这是因为我们在家里遭受的痛苦损害了我们的自尊心以及我们对自己的安全感和意见,而这在学校中得到了体现,使我们容易成为欺凌的目标。

因此,父母和其他非A人的亲戚可以从您的要求中获得一些收获,并更多地了解我们的心态。自闭症患者必须处理以下所有问题:

1.我们的感官和社会化挑战

2.社会的偏见和歧视

3.由于他们对我们的期望而遭受的压力几乎是无法实现的

4.学校/工作和家庭生活

这些方面的每一个都会产生压力,焦虑,不安,最后会导致崩溃和抑郁,我姑且称之为五郁。如果我们的家庭也增加了偏见,歧视,压力和其他因素,那么我们就迷惘了。

许多A证的儿童和青少年经历了巨大的内部挣扎,因为他们生活不堪重负:学校的环境在感觉上具有侵略性(许多人以及很多噪音,灯光,声音),学习的同事通常不宽容或乐于助人,相反,它们使您欺凌和教学人员通常不准备/不适合使用自闭症,因此他们不了解自己的局限性,需求等。他们倾向于指出自闭症的行为,并且在受到欺凌时不给予支持。

通常,学龄A人别无选择,只能上学,而实际上大多数人都不喜欢科技(IT)。在感官上,这是无法理解的,在社交上是尴尬的(他没有朋友不是因为他不想,而是因为他不知道如何建立/维持友好的关系),这欺负了他;学校比其他任何事情都要更难受。

它可能在工作年龄发生,因为自闭症患者总是会自闭症,尽管他会掩盖(假装自己不是谁,隐藏自己的A证特征并模仿非A证的“常人“),或者学会更好地社交。但是上面提到的神奇4仍然存在。“可爱”部分?作为成年人,责任增加了三倍,与五郁一起承担责任!尤其是当我们开始独自生活和/或管理房屋时,由于五郁组合中增加了执行功能障碍(ED)。后者几乎每天都会引起更多焦虑,而当我们不被理解并且需要越来越多的人时,焦虑会加剧。

我将以一种简单的方式为您总结它们:一个自闭症患者与自己(改善自己,尝试做事情,调节自己的感官和情感等)以及与世界(以便他被理解和理解)持续战斗。尊重他,停止欺凌,偏见,无知等),他几乎没有或根本没有真正值得信赖的朋友来散发精力。一个成年人几乎总是设法取得成功,因为最糟糕的时期已经过去了。但是青少年正处于关键时刻:他们的激素和环境每天都在与他们对抗,他们的精神成熟还不足以寻求替代解决方案。

如果在一天的挣扎和寂寞之后,这个A人回到家-已经筋疲力尽,很可能已经完全崩溃了,回到家中,要得到更多相同的认可,可家人说我们A人而不是好东西。您觉得怎么样?你觉得如何?

当自闭症患者没有支持和家庭之爱时,他会失去希望(“如果我自己的家人不爱我,没有人会爱我”)并且看不到出路(“我一文不值。我的父母讨厌我,我没有理由现场…”),开始考虑自杀,并且很可能会考虑自杀。

—-

所以该死的!A人并不是一个人出生,他是从他的家庭出生的,几乎一生中,他的家人都是他最可靠的东西。当您虐待,过度批评,低估和贬低自闭症家庭成员时,您就是在杀人。

我们的心理也非常敏感,这些事情对我们的伤害比对我们其他人的伤害更大。我们从家人那里受到的每一次负面打击,都会使我们的自信心下降,内感加深,我们的自尊心受到永久性损害。即使我们克服了过去,那些小小的负面声音总会回到我们的脑海并影响我们。不像以前那么多,但它们会影响。

如果您真的爱您的A人家庭成员,请帮助他,倾听他,支持他,理解他,尊重他,给予他他的空间和时间;给他爱,给他生活!

真诚的,

善变的凤凰

El Fénix inconstante

疫情下的A证骄傲节

A证是值得我们骄傲的事情。因此,A证有着A证骄傲节,平时是在6月18日举行。2019年6月18日,爱尔兰还办了全球第一个A证骄傲节大游行。

今年就不如以往了。大家出国,出外,甚至出门都有诸多限制,居家隔离是世界各地的常态,大伙儿要齐聚一堂实在是不应该的事。因此,这注定今年A证的A证骄傲节的形式,要有别于以往。不过目的还是要是大致上相同的,我们要承认A证对我们的社会的重要性,我们也要通过我们对于A人的骄傲,以促进A人更能带给社会,带给世界A人独有之贡献。

身为炎黄子孙,我们不善于给予“另类思维”正面的态度,至少自孔子所提倡的“有教无类”,让人都无差异。全球化让世界一体化,中国的科技和全世界接轨,海外的思想涌入中国,不过中华子女们,即使是不会说汉语的美籍华裔或者印尼华人,都希望子女们都受到社会的采纳。当然形式有所不同,我知道的第五代美籍华裔都是基督教徒,据我所知和美国白人对耶稣,对国家一样狂热,而印尼华人因为历史的缘故,虽然放弃了汉文姓,可是没有放弃他们的风俗和处事的态度,还和其他的印尼人有所区别。身为在新加坡出生的第三代华裔,我相信我身边的人和其他的华裔没有多大差别,我们都不喜好“另类”的人事物,“另类”就远离我们关爱的亲人,朋友,事业等等等。

我知道的新加坡本土A人里面,比我更有魄力,更有魅力的A人比比皆是。有的更聪明,有的父母更有财力,有的甚至很有才华,人生过的很好,还自己白手起家住在自己购买的房子。可是,他们都是华人!我只在各个残疾和A证社团里,认识1位马来小妞和1位马来男性友人,我说2双手,拍手声响还是很微小嘛。我遇到其余的恐怕全部都是新加坡华人,虽然各个都有才华,可是每一位,尤其是有名,有钱,且有权势的,全部都是典型华人啦!对于另类,且和自己观念相反的理念,全部都排除在外。社会要A人怎样,新加坡的A人通常有一个共识,就是不要捣乱现有的次序。

可悲的是,新加坡A人普遍的思维是:社会认可的,才是好的。

这,不是我们所要的A人骄傲!

由此固步自封,我们A人怎样才有前进,才有不顾一切提高我们弱势的地位呢?

我十多年来,一直坚信,异类就是好!异类才是推进社会的动力!没有异类,至少以新加坡而言,异类永远是处在弱势。只有崇尚各个异别,崇尚各个不同的优秀,我们A人就真正能做到自强不息,向善向上。

A证的骄傲,即使在新加坡的法律框架里,平时就更应该更力求大锣大鼓,由A人发起大肆宣扬我们的理念。可是,疫情在前,我们不得不负起社会责任,在家防疫。也应该这么想,在疾病肆虐的年代,有A证骄傲的理念者,一个都不能少!等到社会解封了,再张罗打鼓也不迟(不过要戴上耳机吧!)

今年的A证骄傲节,我想我可以由给外人做起,即使没有人做也无妨。

我会凝着精神,我会分享:差异就是美,差异就是未来的推动力!

要怎么叫我们呢

Autism 要怎么形容呢?我想A人会比较实在吧!

大家对于我们 A人有不同的叫法。个人看来,最好的是毛利文吧,“Takiwātanga” 的意思对于A人的情况最贴切不过了,意思大概是:个体的时间和空间。文以载道,这个不就是一般人对A人比较尊重,比较厚道的理解吗?

相对比较,中文对于A人有比较局限性的形容词。

关于“自闭人”,我并非选择性的自我封闭。我们有时候不知道我自己关闭我们的时间和空间。因此,“自闭人”代表的“自我封闭”稍为不切A人的实际情况。

至于“孤独症”或者“孤独症患者”,我自认我从不觉得孤独,我也不觉得我患有疾病。我或许有“残疾”类型的情况,我从不觉得我的情况是能传播给其他人,或者带来给本身更多难以自拔的孤独。

还有“星星”,我们都是人,A人包括在内,再说我并非遥不可及的外太空形体呀。

在没有更好,更简约的形容词形容我的情况,我个人比较喜欢用 “A人” 形容像我一样的A证或 Autism 患者。它很抽象,像毛利文的形容差不多,它是我们给予定义的意义,视个人的“修行”而定吧。更重要的是,中文一向来讲求简练,要求每一个形容词都能表现在一个方块字上。我的情况最好是能在1,2个字内完整的形容。可是在这电脑时代,除非软件公司推出新的汉字打进这数万余标准汉字的行列,而这新字更符合A证,我只能说我是A人了。

同样的,因为中医讲求“辨证论治”,刚好我的A证是心理学家或心理医生辨别的,刚好有切合之处。注意,A证并非症,因为对我来说,对很多A人来说,A证不是病,而是一个人与人之间的差异,或许是我们独有的人生方式吧。

Death before dishonor

Typically autistic people die at age 36. I am so aware of fraility, may I shock you. I wish to be dead before this age.

It will be great to die before my parents because they see me as a burden, and I still have to live with them. It is difficult in my current situation to hold a stable job, regardless of economic conditions. Without a stable job, it is difficult to support myself in conventional means. Do not expect me to do things like doing gigs like food delivery. I do not expect them to last forever, I do not think I can do this even at age 70 or upwards with increasing physical limitations, and then, black swan events happen.

I have not experienced war, or so everyone around me thought. We are now getting closer to World War Three than ever before.

Then if the clock is ticking, and I have so little time left in my life, wouldn’t it be better to live every day as if it’s the last? Why not live life every day in a way that is close to our beliefs, and our principles?

I do not think food delivery is shameful. I do not think driving cars for hire is shameful. They never were. And never are. Even if they get automated. Automation is the least of my concerns, even if they effectively replaced the labour like my parents’ generation, making me even less employable regardless of my conditions.

However, if I do these jobs, I may get the resources to support myself, but it may not be the best use of my limited time in life. Say I have only 36 years to live. Between now and age 36, what do I see myself at age 36?

Other people, at age 36, have a property, a car and a family. It is possible for ordinary folks to have a property, a car and a family. They are the stable bedrocks of life. A property is a necessity in any stable society, a family is the anchor of the turbulent waves of life, and a car is the tool we transport the entire family. Then we ask ourselves, why cannot we be them? Are we any less capable or motivated or hardworking than these ordinary folks?

We are certainly not any lesser than the other people. Other people take 10 years to get from university to the stage when they can make a difference professionally. It may take us a longer time. Who knows we may even die before the full impact of our work can be fully realized. All the more we keep doing it. We do all we can for our way of living, our life.

I just want to hustle and live, do it well, and do it with pride and honor. I will not attempt to let short-term gains sabtoage whatever things that will steer me away from the longer term goal, that is, to fully bring out my time and efforts into something that not just feeds me, make my community better, but bringing out the best within me and connecting me with most other people, the way all of us better could together.

When we are together, we move together.

I am 18, what can I do

If you were an American (not too sure for other countries), even if you needed a caregiver 24 hours of the time, at age 18 you are an adult. The transition is forced onto everyone. Just because I can talk or write does not mean I have fewer needs, on the contrary, I need support similar to the way the nonverbal autistic sibling need support. It is not functioning, it is still a need.

Ideally, there should be support for autistic adults as long as they need, even if it is lifelong and expensive. As I learned the hard way in my life, it is not the case. We all have to adult and we all grow up.

It is also good to try to plan for adulthood as early as possible. At age 12 or so, one has to begin to train for jobs. In East Asia, where shared autistic homes are prohibitively expensive and seemingly impossible to have, autistic people can find work arrangements. Not to say they are paid lowly, but there is little for these people to share their experiences. I would like to do something about hearing their voice, however, the biggest obstruction would be the organizations that train and work with these people. It is more likely we autistic people are dumped and forced to accept any work arrangements that come in the way, and not fully consider our strengths, our desires and goals, and our motivations to work towards our goals.

However, my view of ageing out is shaped by an experience that jolted me to the ground: my autistic buddy’s mother passed away, he could not find suitable full-time employment as a job placement office only gave him part-time employment, he could not find any more part-time roles, and he was forced out of his home because he could not pay the bills. He is rather verbal and is emotionally far more stable than me, but he is tested to the brink. He did find temporary housing arrangements with our mutual friends. This brought me to think: if my mother (my family’s breadwinner) suddenly dies for some reason (which is becoming more grim than ever), what will I do?

For numerous reasons, I do not expect to claim any insurance payouts. I do not know whether I have to pay for my parents’ healthcare, which are not universal or free in my country. I do not really have enough to feed for myself, even though I do my best to save, or just spend on things that enable me to take side gigs that pay me to pay the bills.

All I know is, transitioning is an ongoing process. Everyone should be aware and doing something about the inevitable stages of life: growing, ageing, being sick and dying. We have our different understanding of life. To my experience, it may surprise to you but I find highly successful doctors and lawyers not ‘getting’ ageing as well as younger people who are socially inept, speak minimally, but somehow get ‘moved’ by the thought of ageing . Some day, though, we all will learn.

‘Autism Awareness’ Stops Here

It is this time of the year. Those people are talking about inclusivity and acceptance. It is the ‘World Autism Awareness Month’, or what I call the month, April. 2 April is particularly painful as it is World Autism Awareness Day. Even with pandemics and fear, I see nothing but even more fear mongering surrounding ‘autism awareness’.

When the largest autism groups you know still has the puzzle piece as a logo, you know it is not the organization you expect to contribute meaningfully in. Even if you do indeed have an advanced professional degree which can add to that said organization’s capacity, they not only do not let you on board, or speak up for you, they are complicit in their radio silence when those very kind of negative stereotypes and misinformation keep you down from fulfiling your potentials to your community. Then you know you cannot carry on, and you are stuck between the rock and a hard place.

At least in countries such as Australia and the UK, people still get heard and the injustices are at least addressed. I particularly like it that in the UK, with the general nastiness through austerity, Brexit and coronavirus, autistic people can be part of the positive force that do good and act for society. I will even go on and say autistic Brits present themselves as what would happen to ordinary Britsh people when they are systematically left out, they seem to be so resilient, they work even harder to prove their existence as a community and be the best they all can be.

This is what I aspire my ideal autistic community to be.

We do not want any form of pity or awareness. We just want to be able to do what is best for our society in our own way.

A major landmark with blue lighting alone is not going to bring good for autistic people. It is in the unseen forces, the seemingly invisible little things, that deliver real change autistic people need.

We want to be able to express and live out our lives in every setting we can, without fear or artificial restrictions. Knowing the practicalities, opportunities and limits all around us, we will be appreciative when we are able to cook and clean for our families, work in a job we enjoy and can do well, and participate actively in matters that affect us. Aren’t these very human needs? We may not be able to do some things without adjustments and accommodations, but thing is, we can.

Instead of awareness, how about a change in attitude. We, autistic people, like to contribute to society just like the next human being before and after us. We just want any and every opportunity we can get. And make the most out of what we have.

Then this April will be pass much quicker. After all, April should just be another month, maybe except if it’s your birthday.

We are totally in

Autistic people are often not contributing where they can best contribute in conventional settings. However, this does not mean autistic people are definitely less capable than ordinary people. On the other hand, autistic people should revel in being looked down upon, and press on being the awesome people they are. Autistic people are human beings just as you, me and every human being.

When we hold our heads up, at least we are doing something about our lives, regardless of our conditions. Our lives all have to go on. Why not go even stronger than before. Resilience is within us and we all can get back, knocked down 7 times get up 8, that is all within us. That makes us all human.

Also, whenever we are downvoted, excluded or ignored, it leaves us all a long and narrow space to reflect: What really matters to us? We like something and we have our unique spin on that something. We should not be silenced, but all celebrated. We can.

 

Working out autism

If autistic people are not getting hired, why not keep doing things that make them no different from work?

Autistic people keep saying they are unemployed and they need help. Often they are not able to do full-time jobs nor getting the pay needed to pay bills. They may build experience in having a job by volunteering in animal shelters, schools or even charity organizations, but they don’t come every day and they often don’t pay much.

Families often get frustrated and angry that autistic people are lazy and troublesome people. I think autistic people need help in paying bills and not doing a job.

The outcome of having a job or anything else is to pay the bills and do something good all the time, so they autistic people should focus on doing anything that pays the bills.

Even without considering autism, rational people will only work when working brings about a better outcomes, brings a marked improvement in life, than not working. Autistic people are human beings too. They are every bit as human as the others, for better or for worse. There is an inherent goodness in all human beings just as there is a common weakness, and we are subject to the tendency to not do anything without a reward. Therefore I can totally understand why autistic people often tend not to ‘work harder than the other people’ when they need it, even if they may need to work three times harder than the next person.

When working is demeaning, does not bring extra life experience, skills and pay, why work? Do something else enjoyable. There is nothing autistic people can lose. Autistic people have no opportunity cost because there is nothing to lose.

I would go on further and say, for all of us, autistic or not: within our budgets, monetize our joy, monetize our pleasures! Also, expand on our dreams, scale up our desires.

If we like photos, when we see something, shoot them. Share them.

If we like writing, even if it’s giberrish, note it down. And publish them somewhere.

If we like playing games, no matter how atrocious or modded it is, livestream them. Talk or write about it.

And allow us to be honest with ourselves.

How can we connect with other people with our interests?

It is difficult, but without an ounce of honesty, we may not know why we starve. Our lives will remain miserable.

父母不应该把孩子看成是摇钱树或木偶

当今的竞争激烈,我们把看到的每一个人的成就视作为理所当然,现在连父母对于孩子对于爱好的无限度支持也视作孩子成功必需的。由于对于各项活动的资金发放的竞争激烈,社会上无“最好”或“最奇特”的东西才有价值,对于普通,人不止感到无感觉,还感到排斥,觉得不屑一顾。

“父凭子贵”在这年头是大件事。不如以往的“子凭父贵”,在当今社会,孩子不一定要把父母的手艺或才华传承。现在的孩子们都要父母赞许孩子搞一些新玩意儿,才会让人家觉得孩子把父母的东西发扬光大。现在应该是倒过来,父母应该欣赏孩子们的才能和兴趣,不能光打发他们,以为这些东西是很难赚钱的。

因此我认为父母一定要给孩子无限度的支持和鼓励,只要在经济范围许可和所做的事情大体上是健康的,不太理解也应该尝试了解,父母一定要支持孩子到底,而且最难能可贵的是,在孩子觉得光辉灿烂的一刻,父母应该要抽出宝贵的时间,现身现场,为孩子打气,即使这一刻不”值钱”。

为什么我要避年

对于自闭华人来说,春节或新年相等于国外的圣诞节。其他国外自闭人记载的经历,记载着圣诞节带给自闭人的各种焦虑。正如我欣赏且见过的自闭作家 Yenn Purkis 所写道的,“所有圣诞节带来的期许和混乱通常会导致崩溃和种种不同的压力”。我觉得春节也带来不少压力导致我崩溃,所以我尽可能避免过春节。

很多自闭人,每逢佳节,面临着巨大的挑战。这包括了:

  • 期待和忧心假日不会像想象中的好
  • 对佳节食物的厌恶和压力,有一些食物甚至会带来不熟悉或难受的味觉
  • 各种感官的突袭,如:嘈杂的谈话声,烟炮声等
  • 太多的酒或食物
  • 对于每天的常规造成的干扰
  • 新年装饰可能会对于自闭人来说,视觉上过于刺眼或混乱
  • 造成家人更多的冲突,例如:年长一辈对于自闭症的偏见,排斥和否认
  • 春节会带来人与人之间过于尖锐的思维,文化和观念上的冲突
  • 亲戚间无意上的比较,尤其是对于钱,事业和感情的比较。对于红包给的大小,或者工作的范畴,考虑着自闭人一般因为社会排斥而在职场上不顺遂,这造成自闭人一般感到羞愧。
  • 以上种种的因素,过压抑,过多,可能造成自闭人的崩坏。

以我个人看,我没有女朋友,我没有一个新加坡人觉得看得起的“事业”,我的薪水又相对少到不够养活一台车这类基本的生活费。我非常坦白,虽然人生诸多不如意,但是我的不顺更胜于其他一般人,我在众亲人前只是不及格的人物,何必要受苦过年?我宁可不吃团员饭了,“团圆”对我来说是个人感觉上的分裂,在亲友讲着我不如其他亲友的“事实”,我还要看在众长辈们的“面子”,摆出一张塑料,不真实的笑脸。过年我连让我感觉舒心的神色(尤其是黑色)衣服我也不能穿呢。

大家不需要感到内疚,不在至亲的身边,好好过节。如果春节真的困扰着我们,这不能达到我们民族对于春节“除旧迎新”的期许,旧的一年的问题在新的一年浮现,这真的是我们要过的节日吗?逃避虽然不是解决的问题,想想看,这些亲人如果我们一年只见一次,他们又如何体恤我们自闭人每日每夜面临的挑战呢?他们若真的能与我们携手让我们一起面对我们的挑战,我相信他们不介意花金钱,时间和经历,在我们的身上了,在过年的各种指指点点就不必要了。

每年新年,我不想看到红包,我不想听到亲友给我的“关心”。我要的,是在一个安静的环境,重新阅读中外经典名著,与永垂不朽的东西引进我的新思维,新体悟。大地回春,万象更新,我想要结合我个人独有的经验,时代现有的需求和中华文化悠远的传统,揉成一幅脑袋和心灵上美丽的山水画,再用我们个人独有的方式,呈现并诠释在春节后其他时间的作息上。